


there's no relief, i see you in my sleep

by theheadgirl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, One Shot, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Spoilers, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theheadgirl/pseuds/theheadgirl
Summary: In the hours after, a captain grieves in the dark.





	there's no relief, i see you in my sleep

“Ow! _Fuck!_ ” 

A sudden, radiating pain down his hand into his arm startles Steve out of (what had hardly been a deep, restful) sleep. He jolts upright, scanning the room for intruders, then stretches out his hand to get a better look at it. Bruises on his fingers and knuckles. He carefully unclenches his fist. It hurts, but not in a ‘broken hand’ way. 

A glance aside confirms what he had suspected. During the course of his nightmare (nightmares? Had it been one or a series?), he must have punched the wall. There's a fist-sized dent to show exactly where it happened. He's a little surprised there's only one.

Small mercies they're not in Wakanda still. Punching a vibranium wall would have shattered his arm, and Princess (or is she queen now? Is there a contingency plan for when the king -) Shuri would have made a huge stink about having to fix him up. 

Small mercies it's just bruises on his knuckles. Small mercies he's not a pile of dust in Wakanda. 

He inhales to try and clear out the lump in his throat, but it catches on a sob on the exhale. 

_Why not him?_

Steve knows that the cull (the _genocide_ , half of all life in the _universe_ ) had been completely random. Still, the human mind seeks patterns, trying to make some sense in a universe that doesn't give a damn about it. 

_Why not him?_

He’d have been willing - always had been - to trade his life in an instant. (“We don't trade lives,” he'd told Vision, but maybe if he prayed and raged enough, maybe they -) Is that why he hadn't been chosen? Or did the universe have bigger plans for him? _You don't die here because you are meant to die elsewhere._

Or maybe the big cold universe didn't give a damn about him or any of them, maybe life wasn't worth any more than the resources it consumed, and maybe the wondering would drive him mad.

He rests his head on his knees, tears spotting his sweatpants. Then, like a kid pressing a bruise to see if it still hurts, he plays it over again in his head. 

_“Steve?”_

_And then Bucky is crumbling into dust, Bucky who had just started to emerge from the Winter Soldier and find himself again, Bucky who had survived the battle only to -_

Yeah, it still hurts. 

His room is suddenly too small and too dark for him to bear, and all he can hear is the sound of his heart breaking echoing off the walls.

On his way out the door, he stops, checks his reflection in the darkened mirror. His eyes look okay, not noticeably red or swollen, although it's hard to tell. Oh, well. With everything else, looking like he's been crying is at the bottom of his list of priorities. 

He stops at the top of the stairs, seeing light, hearing the soft murmur of voices from the kitchen. Something like a smile - the first one he's cracked in what feels like days - crosses his face. 

At least if he's sleepless and grieving, he doesn't have to do it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to get this out! Ever since I saw the movie, this has been germinating.


End file.
